I'm not sure if this feeling of envy is because I'm not good enough to accomplish the things he has, or if it's because something he wanted, planned his whole life around, and tortured himself over was actually part of "The Plan." 

I'm having a hard time figuring out how I'm going to pay for college if I'm not accepted to the honors program at my college. My ACT is 4.5 points lower than the average, the personal statement I wrote was terrible, and the essay I wrote was even worse. I have very little community service, and Governor's School is my only achievement. I'm completely prepared for a rejection letter- so prepared that I've already made plans with a future roommate and finished the housing application. I can't submit it, of course, because I've forced my family into a hole financially, simply because I'm a senior this year and I'm too stupid to keep a job.  

If I had worked harder and taken myself and my education seriously as a freshman and sophomore, could I have stuck with medicine and been competitive enough for Vanderbilt? Probably not, but I could have at least stuck with the idea I had of going into the medical field and helping people. No one knows this, but I'm going into education because I feel it's the only thing I can do. I'm going to major in English because I'm not intelligent enough for math, science, or history. I fear I'm going to end up being an ineffective teacher with no passion.

I'm terrified that I'm going to let myself give up. I don't want to give up, but what's to stop me later on? I'm not a rational person. In fact, I'm probably one of the most irrational people I know. I can make decisions and regret them 2 minutes later. I can't shake this fear. I can't shake this envy. I can't shake this feeling that nothing is going to go the way I want. I'm terrified that "The Plan" set out for me is one that I'm not prepared for. 

All-in-all, I'm extremely excited for and proud of him. He truly deserves this. I can't think of a person who deserves this more than he does. He is going to do great things and will most definitely change the world with his amazing abilities. 

Spiritual Epiphany.

I had a moment last night. I decided to pray and read my Bible, just to spend some much needed alone time with God, and ended up spending an hour crying, talking with, and worshiping my awesome God. I got caught up in the books of Romans, Hebrews, and James last night while searching for scripture about faith. Hebrews 12:5-6 stuck out to me: (5) "And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, (6) because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

 The more I read into chapter 12, the more I realized that I shouldn't be angry with God. I shouldn't let the bad things in my life stand in the way of my relationship with Him. The chapter goes on to say that God disciplines us like an earthly father would. "For what son is not disciplined by his father?" (12:7) God punishes us for our own good. BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. That was my lesson. God plans those bad things because, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, is produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (12:11)
The bad things happen so we will benefit. Good always comes from bad. God always comes from bad.

I then read into James, and was completely in awe. James 1:4-8 says, "(4) Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (5) If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (6) But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (7) That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; (8) he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

Let's break this down a little bit. Verse 4 is about perseverance, right? Actually, it is about God's testing of our faith. He tests our faith so that we may gain perseverance. Verse 4 is pretty simple, but verses 5-7 are what shocked me. The Lord says is you lack wisdom, ask for it, and He will generously give, but there is a catch. You must believe that He will give. Doubt in God's graciousness will get you nowhere. Trust me, I'm working to trust in God and not doubt his love for  me. He then says that anyone who doubt is like a wave in the sea; he calls those who doubt double-minded.
Moving on to James 1:13, "When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone." Just as you shouldn't doubt God, you shouldn't blame him for temptation you may face. We are tempted when we turn away from God, and allow our own evil desires to entice us.

Chapter 2 talks about faith without action. James 2:17 says, "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." I made a note in my Bible beside this verse that simply says "TAKE ACTION!"
How are we, as Christians, supposed to show God's undying love for everyone, if we don't practice what we preach?! An example is given at the beginning of chapter 2: if a rich man comes to you and a poor man comes behind him, do not provide the rich man with the best, and the poor man with only well wishes. (2:9-10)  "But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. (10) For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." We shouldn't judge. This is a basic fact, and is actually mentioned in the Bible multiple times. I know I am guilty of judging someone based on race, social status, and even academic success. I stumbled upon one portion of the law, so I am guilty of breaking all laws. I might as well have murdered those I judged.

James 4:8 says: "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."
God will draw close to you, but you must WANT Him. You must be willing to purify your heart and wash your hands clean of sins. Isn't it amazing to know that God wants us? Even if you feel completely unloved, hated, or lonely, GOD WANTS YOU. God loves you.

I realized that, throughout my life, God and my parents are the only constants. Just like my earthly parents have sacrificed for me and done as much as they could to provide for me, my Heavenly Father has never left me. He sacrificed for me, and He never fails to provide. I don't know how my dad came up with the money he did last week to make it through to payday, but we made it. I have God to thank for that. he knew our needs and he provided, as always.

Then there is prayer. I'm slowly, but surely, learning to take everything to God in prayer. I'm trying to learn to let go and let God. He holds my future in the palm of His hand. He knows where I will be this time next year, this time 10 years from now, and this time 20 years from now. I cannot control anything. God can. It's time I let God pilot this plane, while I sit in the passenger seat and obey Him.

God is simply amazing. I haven't felt so at peace with my life in years. I never want this feeling to end.

Cry For Help

I'm judgemental.
I'm hateful.
I'm envious.
I'm self-loathing.
I'm self-deprecating.
I'm self-mutilating.
I'm unsatisfied.
I'm ungrateful.
I'm too often careless.

I also have a hard time fathoming how one all-mighty being can look past all of this and love me regardless. I've always been told that no one will love you unless you love yourself, so how is it possible that God could ever love me when I harbor so much hate for myself? I just don't understand it. I used to have no doubts about God's unfailing love, but the older I get and the more hate I feel towards myself, the harder it is to believe.

What do I hate so much about myself?
I hate that I don't do well with people.
I hate that I automatically assume someone doesn't like me after one conversation.
I hate how I doubt everything I do.
I hate my negativity.
I have my physical appearance.
I also hate everything that I listed at the top.
I also care too much when I shouldn't.
I hate that I can't just get over it.
I don't know why I can't just stop being so screwed up and just get better!

How in the world can anyone love me when I see myself this way?! There is no possible way that God could love someone like me.

I've tried praying. I've tried reading my Bible. I've tried ignoring the voices in my head that tell me to turn to the knife for a release. Maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe i'm just not meant to change. I don't know.

I don't want to live my life as a horrible shell of a person. I need help. I want someone to help me. I want to stop. I want to change. I want nothing more than to get better.

I'm sorry.

The Constant Fight in My Mind.

You're never going to amount to anything.
You're too unattractive to ever get married.
You will never ever be good enough to meet the standards of the world.
You are an idiot.
You're nothing. Worthless. Hated.
You should have ended it when you had the chance. Back when you had no friends. No one who really cared about you.
You deserve every single one of the scars you have given yourself.
You're fucked up and no one will ever understand you.
You should just give up. You'll never see success at this rate.
You can never get better because you don't care about yourself enough.
You're just too far gone. There is no point in someone saving you now.
No one cares about your stupid problems.
You can't feel this way because there are people who have it worse.
You're just a waste of space and oxygen.
You could end it now and no one would notice or miss you.
You're not cut out for college. You won't make any friends.
Everyone fucking hate you.
You're annoying. Ugly. Fat. Ungrateful. Bitchy. Stupid.
You have nothing to live for.


You have the whole word ahead of you.
There is someone out there that will love you.
You ARE good enough.
You are brilliant.
You're loved. Worthy. Cherished.
You are still alive for a reason. You have friends who love you. Family who cares.
Your scars are scary, but show that you are a fighter.
You're not alone and someone understands you.
You should keep going. You will make something amazing out of yourself.
You will get better because you will learn to care about yourself.
You are NOT too far gone. You are worth being saved.
There are people who care about your problems.
You CAN feel this way because you are human.
You are needed.
You will have the time of your life in college. You will make new friends and people will love you.
YOU ARE LOVED.
You're alive. Perfect. Beautiful. Deserving. Kind. Caring.
You have SO MUCH to live for.

Open Up, Let it Out

Open up, let it out
You need help.
All you have to do is shout-
and you can finally save yourself.

Open up, let it out
Please let someone in
You can fix this
This is a battle you can win!

Open up, let it out
Life won't stop
You've got to learn to bend
Don't let this break you down.

Open up, let it out
Someone will care
If you want to be free
You will say two simple words-

Help. Me.

Hidden.

Just one scratch to heal it all
One small scratch can release the pain.
It won't hurt, you won't fall-
into the deadly cycle of this sick game.

The scratch became a cut
Release became a craving.
Now I'm in a rut-
I desperately need saving.

I just need to cage
this beast inside of me.
I want to turn the page
and start over clean.

No one knows about this side-
that I keep locked up tight.
It's becoming harder to hide;
so much harder to fight.

I've kept it hidden
It's stayed in its cage
But I can't keep lying
I'm fucking tired and dying.

Insert Creative Title Here

I haven't had time to write for pleasure in almost two months. I've been at Governor's School for the past 5 weeks. I leave in TWO days! Hell yes! I cannot wait to get out of here. It has been interesting. It has definitely intensified my passion for education, but then there is part of me that worries that I will never be good enough. Which plays into my confidence. If I've learned anything here, it's that I have zero confidence in my abilities as a student, and as a person even.

I constantly doubt myself, underestimate what I'm able to accomplish, and sell myself too short. I mean, I'm at Governor's School for pete's sake! I have no idea how I'm supposed to fix my confidence issues. Like, don't most people talk to others about things like this? Well, who am I supposed to talk to? I don't have anyone that I trust with this stuff. Which goes back to why I don't talk about things. I don't talk because it seems to make things worse for me. I don't talk because it doesn't help me straighten my thoughts out. That's why I write.

I write to heal myself. I write to distract myself. I write to keep myself alive sometimes.

I've got to start packing some things up, since I leave here so soon. I really do need to get back into writing, though. I'm honestly thinking about starting a story of some sort.. I'm not sure yet.

Untitled rant

"Be the bigger person." They say. "Don't let them see that they hurt you or you'll look weak." "Don't let words hurt you."

You know what, society? Go fuck yourself.

It really fucking hurts when someone you were close to a few short months ago looks you in the eye and says your friendship is strictly school related and nothing more. Especially when this friend admitted to liking you a few months ago. What happened? I'm sorry, did I suddenly turn ugly? Did I suddenly become stupid? What the hell did I do wrong that would make you say something like that.

You know what? I hope I fucking shattered your heart when I said I didn't like you back. I hope the sting of those words through a text message hurt fifty times worse than the words you said to my face today.

You're a fucking asshole. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I didn't mean to change; it happens, though. Change in fucking inevitable, yet you make it seem like I was supposed to stay caught up on you when I was the one who never admitted to liking you.

I FUCKING LIED!

I liked you. I liked you a lot. Or, I liked the idea of you. Either way, I lied when I said I didn't have feelings for you in the say way you did for me. I lied to save myself the hurt, but you hurt me anyway.

I'm done being nice to you. I'm tired of putting up with your stupid bull shit when you're going to act like a rude asshole. You can date all the weird whores you want, but you will NEVER have another shot with me. You blew it.

The future?

Most little girls dream of the day they get married, picture their first house, and have the perfect husband planned out in meticulous detail as soon as they can talk. I, on the other hand, don't know the slightest thing about a fantasy wedding, white picket fence, or lifelong partner. Does this make me abnormal? Probably. Does it make me careless? More than likely, but you know what it doesn't make me? Vulnerable.

The way I see it, as soon as I draw the picture of how my life is supposed to be in ten years, I'm just walking into a shitload of disappointment. The thing that screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be. This picture gives us false hope; it does nothing but show us how quickly things can be fucked up. If I don't have a specific path for my future, how am I going to know when something goes "wrong"? That's right, I won't.

Have you ever heard the saying, "what you don't know can't hurt you"? That's where I'm going with this. If I don't know how my life is going to turn out, it can't hurt me.

Stop trying to lay out the stepping stones of your life in the fucking mud! They'll do nothing but sink, and create a disaster. Instead, save your money and say "screw the stepping stones!" Walk through the mud if you have to; jump over the puddles and stomp through the grass! Roll with the punches!!

Don't paint a pretty picture and then touch it before it's dry, that will only mess up the finished product. Don't let yourself be disappointed by life. This picture only makes you vulnerable and open to heartbreak. Stop trying to control the uncontrollable and just accept life as it happens!

My ultimate goal in life is to be happy. If I'm single, living in a one bedroom apartment, and teaching in a pea-sized town when I'm 40 then so be it. As long as I'm happy. The moment I say that I want my life to follow a certain path, I'm setting myself up for pain in the end. Nothing ever goes as planned; we just have to trust that it will go the way it's supposed to. I don't care if your faith lies with God, science, or fucking bees, but you have to believe in something. Life is too insane not to.

So attack with white out, erasers, and scribbles and throw away all your expectations. Expectations lead to disappointments and disappointments inevitably lead to unhappiness, so stop expecting and just start accepting. Accept that life isn't going to go your way all the time, and end the stigma that it's not normal if you haven't planned your wedding before you've even had your first kiss. It's perfectly normal, and much easier in  the long run.

I've been "rolling with it" for 17 years and I'm going to continue living my life off the beaten path and trust that I'll end up where I'm supposed to be in the end.

Are you happy now?

I know I go back and forth between being totally content with my life and completely unhappy with every tiny piece of it. Don't ask me why, because I haven't got the slightest idea. Today has just been one of those days. Actually, this past week has been pretty shitty. Between the ACT, being sick, Beta skit drama, and school in general, I could go postal any second now.

Along with a sinus cocktail, an antibiotic shot, and oral antibiotics, I was given Prednisone to take for my sinus infection. This shit is insane. It is supposed to make you gain weight, and I can definitely tell. I wasn't a twig before I started taking it, but I had a slight panic attack when I was changing clothes in front of my full length mirror earlier today. I lost my appetite completely while I was sick, and lost a little weight; the weight loss was noticeable, and I loved it. Now I'm back to whale status, and it sucks ass.

On another note, only 66 days left until I get to leave everything behind for a whole month and live in Chattanooga. No one knows how badly I need this. I desperately need some time away from everyone and everything here in Lexington.

I can't decide if it's the people/places I want to get away from, or if it's just me trying to escape my mind again. I can't seem to drill it through my thick skull that I simply cannot run away from the monsters that live in my mind.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, so I feel like I should end this post now.

Ramblings..

Life without Cooper is strange, but getting better. Spunky has been greeting me in the mornings and afternoons lately, and it's as sweet as ever. He's definitely no Cooper, but he's a sweetheart.

I take the ACT again tomorrow. This time It's the required test for all Juniors. I'm not looking forward to it, mainly because I've been sick. I feel like complete shit, and I don't know how I'm going to survive through the four hour fucking test tomorrow. I also NEED to raise my scores. If my math and science don't come up a point each, I'm just screwed. I just wish I were smart enough to score in the upper twenties/ lower thirties with ease. Mom has standards set for me that I never knew about; she expects all four subscores to improve, not just math and science like I've been working on.

I'm just screwed beyond belief. If I come out of there with slight improvement, it would be an act of God.
And then to top it all off, I slept all afternoon, so I won't be able to sleep much tonight.

Besides the ACT tomorrow, I ended up with a 95 in Anatomy and Physiology for the third quarter. Disappointed doesn't accurately describe how terrible I feel about it. It stands out like a sore thumb among my 100's and 99. It makes me look stupid, and I despise it.

I also hate when I don't have the right thing to say at the right time. That is certainly not a talent of mine; I can never form a sentence with the words I want to say when it needs to be said. I always manage to make things worse. I honestly believe that I shouldn't be able to converse with other human beings at times.

I just glanced over at my bed, only to be surprised at the amount of clothes and other shit that has accumulated over the weekend. After Cooper died Friday, I wasn't in the mood to clean. I piled everything on my desk, and left it all there for two days straight. That is the antithesis of who I am and how I like my room to be kept. Oh well.

On another note, I've been drinking a TON of water lately. I'm pretty proud of myself, actually. If only I could get off my lazy ass and walk/run everyday. Cooper was my walking buddy, and clearly he can't be that for me anymore. So I guess I'll just be lazy and not get out anymore.

And in my second to last post, "I'm gonna make it happen!" I mentioned giving up cutting for lent. Yeah, that didn't work too well. I slipped up a couple weeks ago, and almost slipped Saturday night. I was wearing shorts, though, and I couldn't do anything to myself without the blood soaking through the thin running shorts I was wearing. I was so emotional over Cooper, though. I have considered doing it tonight as some sort of stress reliever before the ACT. I'll weigh it while I'm cleaning.

I think I'm done rambling for now. I need to clean my room and attempt to wind down for bed, considering it's 9:40.

Pathetic? Possibly..

My dog was hit by a car and killed yesterday.

Dramatic way to start a post, right? I know. Is it pathetic that I've cried more over Cooper than I have cried in the past 6 months? Maybe.

I keep telling myself that he was just a dog. But he wasn't just a dog. He was, in some weird way, my best friend. I miss the little guy terribly. He even managed to get a mention in my autobiography that I had to write for my English class.

I'm bawling my eyes out trying to write this stupid blog post. I feel like such a pathetic loser, honestly.

I feel even worse that I never really said goodbye. I haven't even gone to see his grave. I don't plan on it, either. I missed the entire scene; the car, mom running up the hill, everything. I'm really glad I did, too.

As soon as I came out of my room and saw mom, I went into shock. Complete and utter shock. I didn't cry; I just started shaking uncontrollably from the moment I saw him until I got to my friends house. He took me and we went for coffee and such, just so we could both get away. (I had made these plans earlier in the day, before Cooper died).

Anyway, I just miss him. And I feel like an idiot for crying over him the way I have. I've held it together for Jesse, because the poor kid cried for hours and sat by his grave for half an hour talking to him while I was gone last night. I just can't bring myself to say goodbye, because that means my best friend is actually gone. It means I can't run with him up to the mailbox again. It was weird going to check the mail today, because he wasn't there with me. I used to love to race him up there, and watch him get so excited about going outside.

He always got so excited about going outside. If you said, "Cooper, wanna go outside?!" he would bark and jump up and down and sometimes cock his little head. It was always precious.

Spunky and Socks aren't themselves, either. I can tell they're both grieving. They just keep moping around the house, and Socks has been going up to the spot where Cooper last laid, and looks down at my mom as if Cooper in going to come back. It's so sweet and heartbreaking at the same time.

I just miss my little stink bomb/fluff butt/little guy. I can't believe I'm crying so much over such a  little thing big part of my life.

I'm done now. I don't think I can come up with anything else to say, I've got friend/ friend's boyfriend drama to attend to, and I need to get the snot and tears off my face.

I'm gonna make it happen!

"Congratulations Stephani!

We are delighted to inform you that you have been accepted to the 2013 Governor's School for Prospective Teachers.  We are particularly pleased for you since the response to this School was excellent.  We received over one hundred applications and invited twenty outstanding students representing high schools from across the state.  You were included in that select group."

This is part of the email I read at the end of English class on Valentine's Day last week. I honestly believe that had it not been for my best friend's reaction, I would have gone into full medical shock. I couldn't speak, and could only muster enough energy to forcibly hit him in the back and pull him around so he could read the email for himself. 

I, Stephani Britt, was accepted to GOVERNOR'S SCHOOL. Here I am, 3 days later, and I'm still in complete and utter shock at this information. I applied under the impression that my application would be laughed at and turned down, but here I sit, an actual Gov. school "acceptee". 

I get to spend a whole month of my summer in Chattanooga, Tennessee at UTC gaining knowledge, as well as college credit, new friends, and a new end to my comfort zone. I am elated over this opportunity, and I cannot wait to see where it takes me in the future! 

I just felt the need to blog about this amazing news, considering I haven't really blogged much lately, and I haven't bragged about this to more than my closest friends and parents. 

This email was exactly the confidence boost I needed to drag myself out of the hole I was beginning to sink deeper into. 

I've decided that the best start to this new chapter in my life would be giving up cutting for Lent, and attempting to mend my fences with God. After all, I wouldn't be where I am today had it not been for him leading me. So, thank you God for providing me with such an amazing opportunity! 

Okay, I'm done now. 

----Stephani. <3

Tangents on Tangents on Tangents.

Why do I do this to myself? I always put things off until the last minute, and constantly make up excuses as to WHY it's a good idea to procrastinate. Like right now; I have a shitload of homework that I would be much better off doing, but what am I doing right now? I'm typing a fucking blog. My excuse right now is, "I haven't been able to blog as much lately, and it's good for me to write." Seriously? What the hell kind of shit excuse is that?! But here I sit, staring blankly at my computer screen, typing away as if there's not a worry in the world.

Do I enjoy the stress I put myself under by procrastination? I do, unfortunately.

I've come to love the pressure and hell I go through daily just trying to succeed in school. I thrive in the spotlight, no matter how much I hate to admit it. I never noticed how well I'm able to respond to pressure. Yes, there are moments when the work becomes too much and I'm choking back tears and resisting an anxiety attack in the middle of English class, hoping no one notices; I'm only human. I can only take so much.

In middle school I never had a shitload of work that had to be completed by a certain due date, or it was considered late. Now that I think about it, I didn't have a lot of work until Sophomore year. Well, I did Freshman year, but I didn't care. That's also another story for another post.

Anyway, this year, my Junior year of high school, I decided to take college level courses. I honestly think that was the best decision I ever made. Through these classes I have 1.) made completely different friends, and I'm happy with them. 2.) come to the realization that I actually do well under stress. and 3.) discovered my love of writing through AP Lang.

Let me elaborate a bit, the people I spend my time with now were the people I was intimidated by and jealous of freshman year (again, story for another time).  One of my best friends today was the one person that I always said was so much better than me. I never imagined that he and I would be as close as we are now. My entire circle of friends has changed in just a few short months. It's crazy, really.

I've already talked about thriving under pressure, so I'll skip that one.

Taking AP English (Language and Composition, to be technical) was a huge step for me. I never considered English to be my strong suit, but this class has made me realize that it actually is. This class also verified that middle school education is definitely going to be what I do with the rest of my life. This class has showed me that, despite what I may think, I'm actually a decent writer. More than one person has said this, and I still find it hard to believe. That's why I have this blog; I want to work on my writing skills and improve them until I can look back at a post and feel as though it was written perfectly. I don't know, but I never thought writing would be something that helped me though tough situations, but it has. I remember one night, I was completely overwhelmed with thoughts to the point that I couldn't sleep, so at 1 in the morning, I opened my laptop and wrote a 300 word introduction to my History term paper. I felt amazing after I wrote it; that was the moment I realized how much writing helps me.

I think I have completely branched off from the point of this post, but oh well. The rambling helps me. I believe I'm done here tonight; I really need to tackle that shitload of homework now, considering it's 9:21. I'd like to actually sleep tonight.

Brick wall, waterfall...

...You know the rest of the chant, and I'm positive you just read the title to the tune of it. I did as I was typing it, so there's no shame in it!

Anyway, that title is almost completely irrelevant to the future content of this post. Note: I said "almost". No, I'm not going to talk about a brick wall or a waterfall, but rather the 50 foot walls I have guarding my secrets, feelings, and thoughts.

Like most people, I have a past that I'm not proud of. I have self-inflicted battle wounds, both metaphorically and literally. There are things in my story that I've never told anyone, and some things I've trusted one or two people with. I have walls put up around my past, secrets, and heart for one reason and one reason alone: I don't want to be hurt. Everyone fears pain to some extent; it's a completely normal part of being what some would call "human". Our brains are wired to, sometimes against our better judgement, tell us to stay away from the pain. Physical, mental, and emotional pain sets off an alarm in our minds. We know when we've been hurt before anyone else does, obviously, because WE are the ones being hurt.

It's taken me years to find friends that I felt I could confide in, and trust that they would keep anything I told them to themselves. There are still things that they don't know about me, and one friend knows more than the others, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've struggled with things, suicidal thoughts and self harm in particular, since roughly the 5th grade. This isn't something I normally talk about with anyone, and I don't want to go into too much detail in this post. Those things are stories for a different time.

Anyway, back to the point of this post: my walls. I keep things like that guarded because I don't want anyone to think any differently of me. First impressions are SO important, and every impression after that is just as important. I would hate to tell someone that I have purposely take a knife to my thigh, and have to watch them stare at me in horror and then walk away as quickly as their legs can carry them. I would feel horrible about making someone else worry about my safety by telling them that I felt alone, unloved, and like I would be better off if I could leave this world behind. So I keep these things locked up tight inside.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm numb. I've finally realized why. I cannot, or rather my mind won't let me, feel emotions because I'm burnt out. I've had these thoughts, urges, and feelings inside so long without blowing up into little pieces, that they've just killed me. I haven't seriously cried in so long that I can't remember the last time I did. I've been able to put on this happy facade, but I'm tired. I'm so tired. I feel stuck in a rut that I can't get out of.

I don't remember it ever being this bad. Well, I do, actually. The second semester of Sophomore year was extremely rough.

But that's beside the point. Actually, I don't quite remember the point of this post now. It started out talking about walls, and it's ended with me revealing the craziness that is part of my life. Now do you see why I want out of my head so badly?

Have you ever fallen asleep while sitting straight up at your desk? It's very uncomfortable.

This happened to me earlier; I was sitting there, listening to music and laughing at the whores on my Facebook news feed, when all of a sudden I wake up and my headphones are out and unplugged from my computer, and the computer is shut and shoved to the back of my desk. I have no memory of falling asleep, or getting off of the computer. I awoke to the sensation that I had lost my right leg, when in reality, it was just  numb from being squished "criss-cross-applesauce" in my desk chair.

I then started thinking, as I'm sure everyone does after they awake from an uncomfortable, yet oddly relaxing nap, doesn't this kind of thing happen a lot in my life? No, not strange happenings in my sleep, and not being so sleep deprived right now that I could be mistaken as a narcoleptic. I'm talking about falling asleep sitting straight up, and waking up to completely different surroundings.

There have been numerous times in life where I've looked at my environment, friends, opportunities, and even my personal feelings towards events and people one day, and a week later I'm waking up to friends being unplugged from my life, opportunities being closed, and my personal feelings being shoved to the back of my brain. And, much like I awoke to the feeling of my right leg being numb, I usually come to the realization that I'm completely numb after it sinks in that everything has changed.

As humans, we rarely realize when our lives are making a complete 180 in the moment. It's only after the changes have come full circle that we wake up, and see the differences. But, why is this? Are we really so blind that we miss even the major changes in life? Or is it because we subconsciously choose not to let ourselves notice it to keep from getting hurt?

Maybe we'll ever know the answer, but I think we choose not to let ourselves notice, just so we can be happy in the moment. While everything is changing, we notice it to some extent, but not enough for it to really sink in and make us realize what's going on. Why we do this is still unknown. We get hurt either way.

So, I guess the whole point of this blog was to question why we don't notice change in our lives until after the fact. We just let people walk into and out of our lives like it's nothing. We let opportunity slip through our fingers like sand. I push my feelings back inside like they don't matter. If you really think about it, all of this hurts no matter how you look at it. It hurts like hell to see friends and opportunity leave, and it really fucking hurts to keep your feelings bottled up inside.

This is why I wake up numb. I keep things inside until I can't physically or mentally handle them anymore. I've got so many emotions locked up tight that I can't hold any more. I just don't feel anymore. Happiness is easy to fake, but it's horrible when the one thing I want to do is cry, but I can't muster a single tear.

This is branching off to become a completely different topic. I'm going to stop myself before I write two posts in one.

Everything Happens for a Reason?

Sometimes I wonder if the saying "everything happens for a reason" is true. Every time my life goes to hell and back, I tell myself that it happened for a reason. That is one lesson my mom has taught me since I was old enough to understand it. Now that I've gotten older, I can't help but question it. Does everything ACTUALLY have a reason, or is that just a way for us a humans to satisfy our craving for reason behind everything? We're all guilty of trying to justify the shit in our lives. Don't lie, you know you do it, as do I. But, what if there actually isn't a reason? What if things just... happen? 

I could go all religious right now and completely contradict everything I just asked, but I won't. Not because I don't believe, but because I don't feel as though I'm in the best position with my faith to use it in a blog at the moment. I also find that thinking on the other side of the issue, the non-religious side, helps me to better understand the religious point of view. 

So, back to the point of this post. What if saying that there is reason behind everything is just a way for us to make sense of the chaos in this world? What if we give meaning to meaningless things so we can keep a tight grip on hope?  Not that hope is a bad thing, but what happens when you have so much hope in the things that have yet to happen that you lose sight of reality? I have to question this. What if we have somehow tricked ourselves into believing that everything will be okay in the end? What if it's, in fact, not okay in the end? We don't know what it's like in the end because we haven't seen it yet.  I don't want to be too gullible, and believe something that is just going to cause me pain after the fact.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: question the cliches. They might be right, but then again, they could be just a load of shit fed to us to trick us into being happy when we hate everything. I'm being a bit of a pessimist here, I know. I'll be the first to admit that I'm pessimistic about life; I come by it totally honestly. But you can't go through life and not question it. It's impossible to never ask "why?". Once you grow out of asking "why" as a kid when your parents tell you to do something, you typically rarely question, and just start DOING. This isn't always the wrong thing to do, per se, but there are times when curiosity just consumes us. You know it happens. I'm not sure where this post is going from here. You can take what I've said thus fair and agree or disagree, or we can just agree TO disagree. Anyway, I guess this is it. I have finally completed a blog post. I'm kind of proud of myself. 

The title should go here...

Once again, I have three half-written posts saved to my drafts folder. Over the past few weeks I've been trying to keep this blog up, but the writing bug refused to bite me. I went through all the published posts on here, and deleted all but two. Why, you might ask? Because they were beginning to move in the direction opposite of the one I want this blog to go. I have Tumblr to post my stupid complaints on; I need somewhere to write formal (or as formal as I can manage) blogs. Grammar, punctuation, and diction matter. This could be the perfect platform to improve my writing skills, which is something I would absolutely love to do! With all that said, I'm going to end this post here, brainstorm, and write something much better later.