Cry For Help

I'm judgemental.
I'm hateful.
I'm envious.
I'm self-loathing.
I'm self-deprecating.
I'm self-mutilating.
I'm unsatisfied.
I'm ungrateful.
I'm too often careless.

I also have a hard time fathoming how one all-mighty being can look past all of this and love me regardless. I've always been told that no one will love you unless you love yourself, so how is it possible that God could ever love me when I harbor so much hate for myself? I just don't understand it. I used to have no doubts about God's unfailing love, but the older I get and the more hate I feel towards myself, the harder it is to believe.

What do I hate so much about myself?
I hate that I don't do well with people.
I hate that I automatically assume someone doesn't like me after one conversation.
I hate how I doubt everything I do.
I hate my negativity.
I have my physical appearance.
I also hate everything that I listed at the top.
I also care too much when I shouldn't.
I hate that I can't just get over it.
I don't know why I can't just stop being so screwed up and just get better!

How in the world can anyone love me when I see myself this way?! There is no possible way that God could love someone like me.

I've tried praying. I've tried reading my Bible. I've tried ignoring the voices in my head that tell me to turn to the knife for a release. Maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe i'm just not meant to change. I don't know.

I don't want to live my life as a horrible shell of a person. I need help. I want someone to help me. I want to stop. I want to change. I want nothing more than to get better.