Why do I do this to myself? I always put things off until the last minute, and constantly make up excuses as to WHY it's a good idea to procrastinate. Like right now; I have a shitload of homework that I would be much better off doing, but what am I doing right now? I'm typing a fucking blog. My excuse right now is, "I haven't been able to blog as much lately, and it's good for me to write." Seriously? What the hell kind of shit excuse is that?! But here I sit, staring blankly at my computer screen, typing away as if there's not a worry in the world.
Do I enjoy the stress I put myself under by procrastination? I do, unfortunately.
I've come to love the pressure and hell I go through daily just trying to succeed in school. I thrive in the spotlight, no matter how much I hate to admit it. I never noticed how well I'm able to respond to pressure. Yes, there are moments when the work becomes too much and I'm choking back tears and resisting an anxiety attack in the middle of English class, hoping no one notices; I'm only human. I can only take so much.
In middle school I never had a shitload of work that had to be completed by a certain due date, or it was considered late. Now that I think about it, I didn't have a lot of work until Sophomore year. Well, I did Freshman year, but I didn't care. That's also another story for another post.
Anyway, this year, my Junior year of high school, I decided to take college level courses. I honestly think that was the best decision I ever made. Through these classes I have 1.) made completely different friends, and I'm happy with them. 2.) come to the realization that I actually do well under stress. and 3.) discovered my love of writing through AP Lang.
Let me elaborate a bit, the people I spend my time with now were the people I was intimidated by and jealous of freshman year (again, story for another time). One of my best friends today was the one person that I always said was so much better than me. I never imagined that he and I would be as close as we are now. My entire circle of friends has changed in just a few short months. It's crazy, really.
I've already talked about thriving under pressure, so I'll skip that one.
Taking AP English (Language and Composition, to be technical) was a huge step for me. I never considered English to be my strong suit, but this class has made me realize that it actually is. This class also verified that middle school education is definitely going to be what I do with the rest of my life. This class has showed me that, despite what I may think, I'm actually a decent writer. More than one person has said this, and I still find it hard to believe. That's why I have this blog; I want to work on my writing skills and improve them until I can look back at a post and feel as though it was written perfectly. I don't know, but I never thought writing would be something that helped me though tough situations, but it has. I remember one night, I was completely overwhelmed with thoughts to the point that I couldn't sleep, so at 1 in the morning, I opened my laptop and wrote a 300 word introduction to my History term paper. I felt amazing after I wrote it; that was the moment I realized how much writing helps me.
I think I have completely branched off from the point of this post, but oh well. The rambling helps me. I believe I'm done here tonight; I really need to tackle that shitload of homework now, considering it's 9:21. I'd like to actually sleep tonight.
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