Open Up, Let it Out

Open up, let it out
You need help.
All you have to do is shout-
and you can finally save yourself.

Open up, let it out
Please let someone in
You can fix this
This is a battle you can win!

Open up, let it out
Life won't stop
You've got to learn to bend
Don't let this break you down.

Open up, let it out
Someone will care
If you want to be free
You will say two simple words-

Help. Me.

Hidden.

Just one scratch to heal it all
One small scratch can release the pain.
It won't hurt, you won't fall-
into the deadly cycle of this sick game.

The scratch became a cut
Release became a craving.
Now I'm in a rut-
I desperately need saving.

I just need to cage
this beast inside of me.
I want to turn the page
and start over clean.

No one knows about this side-
that I keep locked up tight.
It's becoming harder to hide;
so much harder to fight.

I've kept it hidden
It's stayed in its cage
But I can't keep lying
I'm fucking tired and dying.

Insert Creative Title Here

I haven't had time to write for pleasure in almost two months. I've been at Governor's School for the past 5 weeks. I leave in TWO days! Hell yes! I cannot wait to get out of here. It has been interesting. It has definitely intensified my passion for education, but then there is part of me that worries that I will never be good enough. Which plays into my confidence. If I've learned anything here, it's that I have zero confidence in my abilities as a student, and as a person even.

I constantly doubt myself, underestimate what I'm able to accomplish, and sell myself too short. I mean, I'm at Governor's School for pete's sake! I have no idea how I'm supposed to fix my confidence issues. Like, don't most people talk to others about things like this? Well, who am I supposed to talk to? I don't have anyone that I trust with this stuff. Which goes back to why I don't talk about things. I don't talk because it seems to make things worse for me. I don't talk because it doesn't help me straighten my thoughts out. That's why I write.

I write to heal myself. I write to distract myself. I write to keep myself alive sometimes.

I've got to start packing some things up, since I leave here so soon. I really do need to get back into writing, though. I'm honestly thinking about starting a story of some sort.. I'm not sure yet.

Untitled rant

"Be the bigger person." They say. "Don't let them see that they hurt you or you'll look weak." "Don't let words hurt you."

You know what, society? Go fuck yourself.

It really fucking hurts when someone you were close to a few short months ago looks you in the eye and says your friendship is strictly school related and nothing more. Especially when this friend admitted to liking you a few months ago. What happened? I'm sorry, did I suddenly turn ugly? Did I suddenly become stupid? What the hell did I do wrong that would make you say something like that.

You know what? I hope I fucking shattered your heart when I said I didn't like you back. I hope the sting of those words through a text message hurt fifty times worse than the words you said to my face today.

You're a fucking asshole. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I didn't mean to change; it happens, though. Change in fucking inevitable, yet you make it seem like I was supposed to stay caught up on you when I was the one who never admitted to liking you.

I FUCKING LIED!

I liked you. I liked you a lot. Or, I liked the idea of you. Either way, I lied when I said I didn't have feelings for you in the say way you did for me. I lied to save myself the hurt, but you hurt me anyway.

I'm done being nice to you. I'm tired of putting up with your stupid bull shit when you're going to act like a rude asshole. You can date all the weird whores you want, but you will NEVER have another shot with me. You blew it.

The future?

Most little girls dream of the day they get married, picture their first house, and have the perfect husband planned out in meticulous detail as soon as they can talk. I, on the other hand, don't know the slightest thing about a fantasy wedding, white picket fence, or lifelong partner. Does this make me abnormal? Probably. Does it make me careless? More than likely, but you know what it doesn't make me? Vulnerable.

The way I see it, as soon as I draw the picture of how my life is supposed to be in ten years, I'm just walking into a shitload of disappointment. The thing that screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be. This picture gives us false hope; it does nothing but show us how quickly things can be fucked up. If I don't have a specific path for my future, how am I going to know when something goes "wrong"? That's right, I won't.

Have you ever heard the saying, "what you don't know can't hurt you"? That's where I'm going with this. If I don't know how my life is going to turn out, it can't hurt me.

Stop trying to lay out the stepping stones of your life in the fucking mud! They'll do nothing but sink, and create a disaster. Instead, save your money and say "screw the stepping stones!" Walk through the mud if you have to; jump over the puddles and stomp through the grass! Roll with the punches!!

Don't paint a pretty picture and then touch it before it's dry, that will only mess up the finished product. Don't let yourself be disappointed by life. This picture only makes you vulnerable and open to heartbreak. Stop trying to control the uncontrollable and just accept life as it happens!

My ultimate goal in life is to be happy. If I'm single, living in a one bedroom apartment, and teaching in a pea-sized town when I'm 40 then so be it. As long as I'm happy. The moment I say that I want my life to follow a certain path, I'm setting myself up for pain in the end. Nothing ever goes as planned; we just have to trust that it will go the way it's supposed to. I don't care if your faith lies with God, science, or fucking bees, but you have to believe in something. Life is too insane not to.

So attack with white out, erasers, and scribbles and throw away all your expectations. Expectations lead to disappointments and disappointments inevitably lead to unhappiness, so stop expecting and just start accepting. Accept that life isn't going to go your way all the time, and end the stigma that it's not normal if you haven't planned your wedding before you've even had your first kiss. It's perfectly normal, and much easier in  the long run.

I've been "rolling with it" for 17 years and I'm going to continue living my life off the beaten path and trust that I'll end up where I'm supposed to be in the end.

Are you happy now?

I know I go back and forth between being totally content with my life and completely unhappy with every tiny piece of it. Don't ask me why, because I haven't got the slightest idea. Today has just been one of those days. Actually, this past week has been pretty shitty. Between the ACT, being sick, Beta skit drama, and school in general, I could go postal any second now.

Along with a sinus cocktail, an antibiotic shot, and oral antibiotics, I was given Prednisone to take for my sinus infection. This shit is insane. It is supposed to make you gain weight, and I can definitely tell. I wasn't a twig before I started taking it, but I had a slight panic attack when I was changing clothes in front of my full length mirror earlier today. I lost my appetite completely while I was sick, and lost a little weight; the weight loss was noticeable, and I loved it. Now I'm back to whale status, and it sucks ass.

On another note, only 66 days left until I get to leave everything behind for a whole month and live in Chattanooga. No one knows how badly I need this. I desperately need some time away from everyone and everything here in Lexington.

I can't decide if it's the people/places I want to get away from, or if it's just me trying to escape my mind again. I can't seem to drill it through my thick skull that I simply cannot run away from the monsters that live in my mind.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, so I feel like I should end this post now.

Ramblings..

Life without Cooper is strange, but getting better. Spunky has been greeting me in the mornings and afternoons lately, and it's as sweet as ever. He's definitely no Cooper, but he's a sweetheart.

I take the ACT again tomorrow. This time It's the required test for all Juniors. I'm not looking forward to it, mainly because I've been sick. I feel like complete shit, and I don't know how I'm going to survive through the four hour fucking test tomorrow. I also NEED to raise my scores. If my math and science don't come up a point each, I'm just screwed. I just wish I were smart enough to score in the upper twenties/ lower thirties with ease. Mom has standards set for me that I never knew about; she expects all four subscores to improve, not just math and science like I've been working on.

I'm just screwed beyond belief. If I come out of there with slight improvement, it would be an act of God.
And then to top it all off, I slept all afternoon, so I won't be able to sleep much tonight.

Besides the ACT tomorrow, I ended up with a 95 in Anatomy and Physiology for the third quarter. Disappointed doesn't accurately describe how terrible I feel about it. It stands out like a sore thumb among my 100's and 99. It makes me look stupid, and I despise it.

I also hate when I don't have the right thing to say at the right time. That is certainly not a talent of mine; I can never form a sentence with the words I want to say when it needs to be said. I always manage to make things worse. I honestly believe that I shouldn't be able to converse with other human beings at times.

I just glanced over at my bed, only to be surprised at the amount of clothes and other shit that has accumulated over the weekend. After Cooper died Friday, I wasn't in the mood to clean. I piled everything on my desk, and left it all there for two days straight. That is the antithesis of who I am and how I like my room to be kept. Oh well.

On another note, I've been drinking a TON of water lately. I'm pretty proud of myself, actually. If only I could get off my lazy ass and walk/run everyday. Cooper was my walking buddy, and clearly he can't be that for me anymore. So I guess I'll just be lazy and not get out anymore.

And in my second to last post, "I'm gonna make it happen!" I mentioned giving up cutting for lent. Yeah, that didn't work too well. I slipped up a couple weeks ago, and almost slipped Saturday night. I was wearing shorts, though, and I couldn't do anything to myself without the blood soaking through the thin running shorts I was wearing. I was so emotional over Cooper, though. I have considered doing it tonight as some sort of stress reliever before the ACT. I'll weigh it while I'm cleaning.

I think I'm done rambling for now. I need to clean my room and attempt to wind down for bed, considering it's 9:40.