Why do I do this to myself? I always put things off until the last minute, and constantly make up excuses as to WHY it's a good idea to procrastinate. Like right now; I have a shitload of homework that I would be much better off doing, but what am I doing right now? I'm typing a fucking blog. My excuse right now is, "I haven't been able to blog as much lately, and it's good for me to write." Seriously? What the hell kind of shit excuse is that?! But here I sit, staring blankly at my computer screen, typing away as if there's not a worry in the world.
Do I enjoy the stress I put myself under by procrastination? I do, unfortunately.
I've come to love the pressure and hell I go through daily just trying to succeed in school. I thrive in the spotlight, no matter how much I hate to admit it. I never noticed how well I'm able to respond to pressure. Yes, there are moments when the work becomes too much and I'm choking back tears and resisting an anxiety attack in the middle of English class, hoping no one notices; I'm only human. I can only take so much.
In middle school I never had a shitload of work that had to be completed by a certain due date, or it was considered late. Now that I think about it, I didn't have a lot of work until Sophomore year. Well, I did Freshman year, but I didn't care. That's also another story for another post.
Anyway, this year, my Junior year of high school, I decided to take college level courses. I honestly think that was the best decision I ever made. Through these classes I have 1.) made completely different friends, and I'm happy with them. 2.) come to the realization that I actually do well under stress. and 3.) discovered my love of writing through AP Lang.
Let me elaborate a bit, the people I spend my time with now were the people I was intimidated by and jealous of freshman year (again, story for another time). One of my best friends today was the one person that I always said was so much better than me. I never imagined that he and I would be as close as we are now. My entire circle of friends has changed in just a few short months. It's crazy, really.
I've already talked about thriving under pressure, so I'll skip that one.
Taking AP English (Language and Composition, to be technical) was a huge step for me. I never considered English to be my strong suit, but this class has made me realize that it actually is. This class also verified that middle school education is definitely going to be what I do with the rest of my life. This class has showed me that, despite what I may think, I'm actually a decent writer. More than one person has said this, and I still find it hard to believe. That's why I have this blog; I want to work on my writing skills and improve them until I can look back at a post and feel as though it was written perfectly. I don't know, but I never thought writing would be something that helped me though tough situations, but it has. I remember one night, I was completely overwhelmed with thoughts to the point that I couldn't sleep, so at 1 in the morning, I opened my laptop and wrote a 300 word introduction to my History term paper. I felt amazing after I wrote it; that was the moment I realized how much writing helps me.
I think I have completely branched off from the point of this post, but oh well. The rambling helps me. I believe I'm done here tonight; I really need to tackle that shitload of homework now, considering it's 9:21. I'd like to actually sleep tonight.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Brick wall, waterfall...
...You know the rest of the chant, and I'm positive you just read the title to the tune of it. I did as I was typing it, so there's no shame in it!
Anyway, that title is almost completely irrelevant to the future content of this post. Note: I said "almost". No, I'm not going to talk about a brick wall or a waterfall, but rather the 50 foot walls I have guarding my secrets, feelings, and thoughts.
Like most people, I have a past that I'm not proud of. I have self-inflicted battle wounds, both metaphorically and literally. There are things in my story that I've never told anyone, and some things I've trusted one or two people with. I have walls put up around my past, secrets, and heart for one reason and one reason alone: I don't want to be hurt. Everyone fears pain to some extent; it's a completely normal part of being what some would call "human". Our brains are wired to, sometimes against our better judgement, tell us to stay away from the pain. Physical, mental, and emotional pain sets off an alarm in our minds. We know when we've been hurt before anyone else does, obviously, because WE are the ones being hurt.
It's taken me years to find friends that I felt I could confide in, and trust that they would keep anything I told them to themselves. There are still things that they don't know about me, and one friend knows more than the others, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've struggled with things, suicidal thoughts and self harm in particular, since roughly the 5th grade. This isn't something I normally talk about with anyone, and I don't want to go into too much detail in this post. Those things are stories for a different time.
Anyway, back to the point of this post: my walls. I keep things like that guarded because I don't want anyone to think any differently of me. First impressions are SO important, and every impression after that is just as important. I would hate to tell someone that I have purposely take a knife to my thigh, and have to watch them stare at me in horror and then walk away as quickly as their legs can carry them. I would feel horrible about making someone else worry about my safety by telling them that I felt alone, unloved, and like I would be better off if I could leave this world behind. So I keep these things locked up tight inside.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm numb. I've finally realized why. I cannot, or rather my mind won't let me, feel emotions because I'm burnt out. I've had these thoughts, urges, and feelings inside so long without blowing up into little pieces, that they've just killed me. I haven't seriously cried in so long that I can't remember the last time I did. I've been able to put on this happy facade, but I'm tired. I'm so tired. I feel stuck in a rut that I can't get out of.
I don't remember it ever being this bad. Well, I do, actually. The second semester of Sophomore year was extremely rough.
But that's beside the point. Actually, I don't quite remember the point of this post now. It started out talking about walls, and it's ended with me revealing the craziness that is part of my life. Now do you see why I want out of my head so badly?
Anyway, that title is almost completely irrelevant to the future content of this post. Note: I said "almost". No, I'm not going to talk about a brick wall or a waterfall, but rather the 50 foot walls I have guarding my secrets, feelings, and thoughts.
Like most people, I have a past that I'm not proud of. I have self-inflicted battle wounds, both metaphorically and literally. There are things in my story that I've never told anyone, and some things I've trusted one or two people with. I have walls put up around my past, secrets, and heart for one reason and one reason alone: I don't want to be hurt. Everyone fears pain to some extent; it's a completely normal part of being what some would call "human". Our brains are wired to, sometimes against our better judgement, tell us to stay away from the pain. Physical, mental, and emotional pain sets off an alarm in our minds. We know when we've been hurt before anyone else does, obviously, because WE are the ones being hurt.
It's taken me years to find friends that I felt I could confide in, and trust that they would keep anything I told them to themselves. There are still things that they don't know about me, and one friend knows more than the others, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've struggled with things, suicidal thoughts and self harm in particular, since roughly the 5th grade. This isn't something I normally talk about with anyone, and I don't want to go into too much detail in this post. Those things are stories for a different time.
Anyway, back to the point of this post: my walls. I keep things like that guarded because I don't want anyone to think any differently of me. First impressions are SO important, and every impression after that is just as important. I would hate to tell someone that I have purposely take a knife to my thigh, and have to watch them stare at me in horror and then walk away as quickly as their legs can carry them. I would feel horrible about making someone else worry about my safety by telling them that I felt alone, unloved, and like I would be better off if I could leave this world behind. So I keep these things locked up tight inside.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm numb. I've finally realized why. I cannot, or rather my mind won't let me, feel emotions because I'm burnt out. I've had these thoughts, urges, and feelings inside so long without blowing up into little pieces, that they've just killed me. I haven't seriously cried in so long that I can't remember the last time I did. I've been able to put on this happy facade, but I'm tired. I'm so tired. I feel stuck in a rut that I can't get out of.
I don't remember it ever being this bad. Well, I do, actually. The second semester of Sophomore year was extremely rough.
But that's beside the point. Actually, I don't quite remember the point of this post now. It started out talking about walls, and it's ended with me revealing the craziness that is part of my life. Now do you see why I want out of my head so badly?
Friday, January 25, 2013
Have you ever fallen asleep while sitting straight up at your desk? It's very uncomfortable.
This happened to me earlier; I was sitting there, listening to music and laughing at the whores on my Facebook news feed, when all of a sudden I wake up and my headphones are out and unplugged from my computer, and the computer is shut and shoved to the back of my desk. I have no memory of falling asleep, or getting off of the computer. I awoke to the sensation that I had lost my right leg, when in reality, it was just numb from being squished "criss-cross-applesauce" in my desk chair.
I then started thinking, as I'm sure everyone does after they awake from an uncomfortable, yet oddly relaxing nap, doesn't this kind of thing happen a lot in my life? No, not strange happenings in my sleep, and not being so sleep deprived right now that I could be mistaken as a narcoleptic. I'm talking about falling asleep sitting straight up, and waking up to completely different surroundings.
There have been numerous times in life where I've looked at my environment, friends, opportunities, and even my personal feelings towards events and people one day, and a week later I'm waking up to friends being unplugged from my life, opportunities being closed, and my personal feelings being shoved to the back of my brain. And, much like I awoke to the feeling of my right leg being numb, I usually come to the realization that I'm completely numb after it sinks in that everything has changed.
As humans, we rarely realize when our lives are making a complete 180 in the moment. It's only after the changes have come full circle that we wake up, and see the differences. But, why is this? Are we really so blind that we miss even the major changes in life? Or is it because we subconsciously choose not to let ourselves notice it to keep from getting hurt?
Maybe we'll ever know the answer, but I think we choose not to let ourselves notice, just so we can be happy in the moment. While everything is changing, we notice it to some extent, but not enough for it to really sink in and make us realize what's going on. Why we do this is still unknown. We get hurt either way.
So, I guess the whole point of this blog was to question why we don't notice change in our lives until after the fact. We just let people walk into and out of our lives like it's nothing. We let opportunity slip through our fingers like sand. I push my feelings back inside like they don't matter. If you really think about it, all of this hurts no matter how you look at it. It hurts like hell to see friends and opportunity leave, and it really fucking hurts to keep your feelings bottled up inside.
This is why I wake up numb. I keep things inside until I can't physically or mentally handle them anymore. I've got so many emotions locked up tight that I can't hold any more. I just don't feel anymore. Happiness is easy to fake, but it's horrible when the one thing I want to do is cry, but I can't muster a single tear.
This is branching off to become a completely different topic. I'm going to stop myself before I write two posts in one.
This happened to me earlier; I was sitting there, listening to music and laughing at the whores on my Facebook news feed, when all of a sudden I wake up and my headphones are out and unplugged from my computer, and the computer is shut and shoved to the back of my desk. I have no memory of falling asleep, or getting off of the computer. I awoke to the sensation that I had lost my right leg, when in reality, it was just numb from being squished "criss-cross-applesauce" in my desk chair.
I then started thinking, as I'm sure everyone does after they awake from an uncomfortable, yet oddly relaxing nap, doesn't this kind of thing happen a lot in my life? No, not strange happenings in my sleep, and not being so sleep deprived right now that I could be mistaken as a narcoleptic. I'm talking about falling asleep sitting straight up, and waking up to completely different surroundings.
There have been numerous times in life where I've looked at my environment, friends, opportunities, and even my personal feelings towards events and people one day, and a week later I'm waking up to friends being unplugged from my life, opportunities being closed, and my personal feelings being shoved to the back of my brain. And, much like I awoke to the feeling of my right leg being numb, I usually come to the realization that I'm completely numb after it sinks in that everything has changed.
As humans, we rarely realize when our lives are making a complete 180 in the moment. It's only after the changes have come full circle that we wake up, and see the differences. But, why is this? Are we really so blind that we miss even the major changes in life? Or is it because we subconsciously choose not to let ourselves notice it to keep from getting hurt?
Maybe we'll ever know the answer, but I think we choose not to let ourselves notice, just so we can be happy in the moment. While everything is changing, we notice it to some extent, but not enough for it to really sink in and make us realize what's going on. Why we do this is still unknown. We get hurt either way.
So, I guess the whole point of this blog was to question why we don't notice change in our lives until after the fact. We just let people walk into and out of our lives like it's nothing. We let opportunity slip through our fingers like sand. I push my feelings back inside like they don't matter. If you really think about it, all of this hurts no matter how you look at it. It hurts like hell to see friends and opportunity leave, and it really fucking hurts to keep your feelings bottled up inside.
This is why I wake up numb. I keep things inside until I can't physically or mentally handle them anymore. I've got so many emotions locked up tight that I can't hold any more. I just don't feel anymore. Happiness is easy to fake, but it's horrible when the one thing I want to do is cry, but I can't muster a single tear.
This is branching off to become a completely different topic. I'm going to stop myself before I write two posts in one.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Everything Happens for a Reason?
Sometimes I wonder if the saying "everything happens for a reason" is true. Every time my life goes to hell and back, I tell myself that it happened for a reason. That is one lesson my mom has taught me since I was old enough to understand it. Now that I've gotten older, I can't help but question it. Does everything ACTUALLY have a reason, or is that just a way for us a humans to satisfy our craving for reason behind everything? We're all guilty of trying to justify the shit in our lives. Don't lie, you know you do it, as do I. But, what if there actually isn't a reason? What if things just... happen?
I could go all religious right now and completely contradict everything I just asked, but I won't. Not because I don't believe, but because I don't feel as though I'm in the best position with my faith to use it in a blog at the moment. I also find that thinking on the other side of the issue, the non-religious side, helps me to better understand the religious point of view.
So, back to the point of this post. What if saying that there is reason behind everything is just a way for us to make sense of the chaos in this world? What if we give meaning to meaningless things so we can keep a tight grip on hope? Not that hope is a bad thing, but what happens when you have so much hope in the things that have yet to happen that you lose sight of reality? I have to question this. What if we have somehow tricked ourselves into believing that everything will be okay in the end? What if it's, in fact, not okay in the end? We don't know what it's like in the end because we haven't seen it yet. I don't want to be too gullible, and believe something that is just going to cause me pain after the fact.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: question the cliches. They might be right, but then again, they could be just a load of shit fed to us to trick us into being happy when we hate everything. I'm being a bit of a pessimist here, I know. I'll be the first to admit that I'm pessimistic about life; I come by it totally honestly. But you can't go through life and not question it. It's impossible to never ask "why?". Once you grow out of asking "why" as a kid when your parents tell you to do something, you typically rarely question, and just start DOING. This isn't always the wrong thing to do, per se, but there are times when curiosity just consumes us. You know it happens. I'm not sure where this post is going from here. You can take what I've said thus fair and agree or disagree, or we can just agree TO disagree. Anyway, I guess this is it. I have finally completed a blog post. I'm kind of proud of myself.
I could go all religious right now and completely contradict everything I just asked, but I won't. Not because I don't believe, but because I don't feel as though I'm in the best position with my faith to use it in a blog at the moment. I also find that thinking on the other side of the issue, the non-religious side, helps me to better understand the religious point of view.
So, back to the point of this post. What if saying that there is reason behind everything is just a way for us to make sense of the chaos in this world? What if we give meaning to meaningless things so we can keep a tight grip on hope? Not that hope is a bad thing, but what happens when you have so much hope in the things that have yet to happen that you lose sight of reality? I have to question this. What if we have somehow tricked ourselves into believing that everything will be okay in the end? What if it's, in fact, not okay in the end? We don't know what it's like in the end because we haven't seen it yet. I don't want to be too gullible, and believe something that is just going to cause me pain after the fact.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: question the cliches. They might be right, but then again, they could be just a load of shit fed to us to trick us into being happy when we hate everything. I'm being a bit of a pessimist here, I know. I'll be the first to admit that I'm pessimistic about life; I come by it totally honestly. But you can't go through life and not question it. It's impossible to never ask "why?". Once you grow out of asking "why" as a kid when your parents tell you to do something, you typically rarely question, and just start DOING. This isn't always the wrong thing to do, per se, but there are times when curiosity just consumes us. You know it happens. I'm not sure where this post is going from here. You can take what I've said thus fair and agree or disagree, or we can just agree TO disagree. Anyway, I guess this is it. I have finally completed a blog post. I'm kind of proud of myself.
The title should go here...
Once again, I have three half-written posts saved to my drafts folder. Over the past few weeks I've been trying to keep this blog up, but the writing bug refused to bite me. I went through all the published posts on here, and deleted all but two. Why, you might ask? Because they were beginning to move in the direction opposite of the one I want this blog to go. I have Tumblr to post my stupid complaints on; I need somewhere to write formal (or as formal as I can manage) blogs. Grammar, punctuation, and diction matter. This could be the perfect platform to improve my writing skills, which is something I would absolutely love to do! With all that said, I'm going to end this post here, brainstorm, and write something much better later.
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