Spiritual Epiphany.

I had a moment last night. I decided to pray and read my Bible, just to spend some much needed alone time with God, and ended up spending an hour crying, talking with, and worshiping my awesome God. I got caught up in the books of Romans, Hebrews, and James last night while searching for scripture about faith. Hebrews 12:5-6 stuck out to me: (5) "And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, (6) because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

 The more I read into chapter 12, the more I realized that I shouldn't be angry with God. I shouldn't let the bad things in my life stand in the way of my relationship with Him. The chapter goes on to say that God disciplines us like an earthly father would. "For what son is not disciplined by his father?" (12:7) God punishes us for our own good. BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. That was my lesson. God plans those bad things because, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, is produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (12:11)
The bad things happen so we will benefit. Good always comes from bad. God always comes from bad.

I then read into James, and was completely in awe. James 1:4-8 says, "(4) Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (5) If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (6) But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (7) That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; (8) he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

Let's break this down a little bit. Verse 4 is about perseverance, right? Actually, it is about God's testing of our faith. He tests our faith so that we may gain perseverance. Verse 4 is pretty simple, but verses 5-7 are what shocked me. The Lord says is you lack wisdom, ask for it, and He will generously give, but there is a catch. You must believe that He will give. Doubt in God's graciousness will get you nowhere. Trust me, I'm working to trust in God and not doubt his love for  me. He then says that anyone who doubt is like a wave in the sea; he calls those who doubt double-minded.
Moving on to James 1:13, "When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone." Just as you shouldn't doubt God, you shouldn't blame him for temptation you may face. We are tempted when we turn away from God, and allow our own evil desires to entice us.

Chapter 2 talks about faith without action. James 2:17 says, "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." I made a note in my Bible beside this verse that simply says "TAKE ACTION!"
How are we, as Christians, supposed to show God's undying love for everyone, if we don't practice what we preach?! An example is given at the beginning of chapter 2: if a rich man comes to you and a poor man comes behind him, do not provide the rich man with the best, and the poor man with only well wishes. (2:9-10)  "But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. (10) For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." We shouldn't judge. This is a basic fact, and is actually mentioned in the Bible multiple times. I know I am guilty of judging someone based on race, social status, and even academic success. I stumbled upon one portion of the law, so I am guilty of breaking all laws. I might as well have murdered those I judged.

James 4:8 says: "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."
God will draw close to you, but you must WANT Him. You must be willing to purify your heart and wash your hands clean of sins. Isn't it amazing to know that God wants us? Even if you feel completely unloved, hated, or lonely, GOD WANTS YOU. God loves you.

I realized that, throughout my life, God and my parents are the only constants. Just like my earthly parents have sacrificed for me and done as much as they could to provide for me, my Heavenly Father has never left me. He sacrificed for me, and He never fails to provide. I don't know how my dad came up with the money he did last week to make it through to payday, but we made it. I have God to thank for that. he knew our needs and he provided, as always.

Then there is prayer. I'm slowly, but surely, learning to take everything to God in prayer. I'm trying to learn to let go and let God. He holds my future in the palm of His hand. He knows where I will be this time next year, this time 10 years from now, and this time 20 years from now. I cannot control anything. God can. It's time I let God pilot this plane, while I sit in the passenger seat and obey Him.

God is simply amazing. I haven't felt so at peace with my life in years. I never want this feeling to end.

Cry For Help

I'm judgemental.
I'm hateful.
I'm envious.
I'm self-loathing.
I'm self-deprecating.
I'm self-mutilating.
I'm unsatisfied.
I'm ungrateful.
I'm too often careless.

I also have a hard time fathoming how one all-mighty being can look past all of this and love me regardless. I've always been told that no one will love you unless you love yourself, so how is it possible that God could ever love me when I harbor so much hate for myself? I just don't understand it. I used to have no doubts about God's unfailing love, but the older I get and the more hate I feel towards myself, the harder it is to believe.

What do I hate so much about myself?
I hate that I don't do well with people.
I hate that I automatically assume someone doesn't like me after one conversation.
I hate how I doubt everything I do.
I hate my negativity.
I have my physical appearance.
I also hate everything that I listed at the top.
I also care too much when I shouldn't.
I hate that I can't just get over it.
I don't know why I can't just stop being so screwed up and just get better!

How in the world can anyone love me when I see myself this way?! There is no possible way that God could love someone like me.

I've tried praying. I've tried reading my Bible. I've tried ignoring the voices in my head that tell me to turn to the knife for a release. Maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe i'm just not meant to change. I don't know.

I don't want to live my life as a horrible shell of a person. I need help. I want someone to help me. I want to stop. I want to change. I want nothing more than to get better.

I'm sorry.

The Constant Fight in My Mind.

You're never going to amount to anything.
You're too unattractive to ever get married.
You will never ever be good enough to meet the standards of the world.
You are an idiot.
You're nothing. Worthless. Hated.
You should have ended it when you had the chance. Back when you had no friends. No one who really cared about you.
You deserve every single one of the scars you have given yourself.
You're fucked up and no one will ever understand you.
You should just give up. You'll never see success at this rate.
You can never get better because you don't care about yourself enough.
You're just too far gone. There is no point in someone saving you now.
No one cares about your stupid problems.
You can't feel this way because there are people who have it worse.
You're just a waste of space and oxygen.
You could end it now and no one would notice or miss you.
You're not cut out for college. You won't make any friends.
Everyone fucking hate you.
You're annoying. Ugly. Fat. Ungrateful. Bitchy. Stupid.
You have nothing to live for.


You have the whole word ahead of you.
There is someone out there that will love you.
You ARE good enough.
You are brilliant.
You're loved. Worthy. Cherished.
You are still alive for a reason. You have friends who love you. Family who cares.
Your scars are scary, but show that you are a fighter.
You're not alone and someone understands you.
You should keep going. You will make something amazing out of yourself.
You will get better because you will learn to care about yourself.
You are NOT too far gone. You are worth being saved.
There are people who care about your problems.
You CAN feel this way because you are human.
You are needed.
You will have the time of your life in college. You will make new friends and people will love you.
YOU ARE LOVED.
You're alive. Perfect. Beautiful. Deserving. Kind. Caring.
You have SO MUCH to live for.

Open Up, Let it Out

Open up, let it out
You need help.
All you have to do is shout-
and you can finally save yourself.

Open up, let it out
Please let someone in
You can fix this
This is a battle you can win!

Open up, let it out
Life won't stop
You've got to learn to bend
Don't let this break you down.

Open up, let it out
Someone will care
If you want to be free
You will say two simple words-

Help. Me.

Hidden.

Just one scratch to heal it all
One small scratch can release the pain.
It won't hurt, you won't fall-
into the deadly cycle of this sick game.

The scratch became a cut
Release became a craving.
Now I'm in a rut-
I desperately need saving.

I just need to cage
this beast inside of me.
I want to turn the page
and start over clean.

No one knows about this side-
that I keep locked up tight.
It's becoming harder to hide;
so much harder to fight.

I've kept it hidden
It's stayed in its cage
But I can't keep lying
I'm fucking tired and dying.

Insert Creative Title Here

I haven't had time to write for pleasure in almost two months. I've been at Governor's School for the past 5 weeks. I leave in TWO days! Hell yes! I cannot wait to get out of here. It has been interesting. It has definitely intensified my passion for education, but then there is part of me that worries that I will never be good enough. Which plays into my confidence. If I've learned anything here, it's that I have zero confidence in my abilities as a student, and as a person even.

I constantly doubt myself, underestimate what I'm able to accomplish, and sell myself too short. I mean, I'm at Governor's School for pete's sake! I have no idea how I'm supposed to fix my confidence issues. Like, don't most people talk to others about things like this? Well, who am I supposed to talk to? I don't have anyone that I trust with this stuff. Which goes back to why I don't talk about things. I don't talk because it seems to make things worse for me. I don't talk because it doesn't help me straighten my thoughts out. That's why I write.

I write to heal myself. I write to distract myself. I write to keep myself alive sometimes.

I've got to start packing some things up, since I leave here so soon. I really do need to get back into writing, though. I'm honestly thinking about starting a story of some sort.. I'm not sure yet.