Let’s go away. Let’s get in the car and drive until we’re completely and utterly lost. No maps, only cash. Wherever we are when we run out of gas is where we stay. Whatever city or town it is. No matter how run down or unsafe it is. Anywhere is better than here. We will find the beauty in the craziness of life.
I need to find the reason behind my life. I don’t understand why I’m still here. I shouldn't be here. I should have died when I was 12. Since then, I've been a danger to myself and everyone around me.
I’m numb to all feelings, and I have been for a long time. Pain, sadness, even happiness have felt the same. Nothing. That’s all I feel. Nothing. When did I last cry? I don’t remember. I hate this numbness.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Three days and counting.
I can't help but feel that I'm getting worse as time goes on. It's becoming harder and harder to get out of bed everyday. I don't feel as though I have a reason to leave my house.
I just want to be someone else. I'm tired of seeing my face in the mirror each day; I'm tired of touching this disgusting skin.
I should be grateful, and I should feel privileged and accomplished, but I don't. Someone has it worse than I do, and so many have it much better than I. This isn't enough to stop me from wishing I could change everything.
I just feel like nothing I do is good enough, yet I'm still better off than most of my family. I've made it though 13 years of traditional school and I am going to a four year university in the fall, but I still feel as though I haven't done enough. I am not in the top ten in my class, nor do I have a high ACT score. I am not going to a prestigious private college, and I haven't been awarded thousands of dollars in scholarships.
Half of my senior class doesn't even know I exist. I could disappear tomorrow and maybe three people would be affected. Teachers don't like me, underclassmen don't know me, and the counselors still have to ask me what my name is and if I'm a junior or a senior. I don't matter at school, I don't matter at home, and I'll never matter in the real world.
I'm afraid that leaving my hometown will make things worse, but I'm even more afraid that getting out of here will be healing. I don't think I'm ready to get better; the road to recovery is too painful to embark on. What if leaving my house provides me with more opportunities to control food intake, self harm, and only worsens my anxiety? But what if I'm not alone enough to self harm, I'm forced to eat, and I find that I'm not as anxious because I'm around new people? Both sound painful, but not being able to control food and self harm sounds even more painful.
I just need to get my life together, but how? How could I possibly get my life together when I can't even keep my mind together? I have literally failed at surviving. Anyone can survive but I can barely do that. One day I'll either be truly happy or dumb/inebriated enough to give up.
I just want to be someone else. I'm tired of seeing my face in the mirror each day; I'm tired of touching this disgusting skin.
I should be grateful, and I should feel privileged and accomplished, but I don't. Someone has it worse than I do, and so many have it much better than I. This isn't enough to stop me from wishing I could change everything.
I just feel like nothing I do is good enough, yet I'm still better off than most of my family. I've made it though 13 years of traditional school and I am going to a four year university in the fall, but I still feel as though I haven't done enough. I am not in the top ten in my class, nor do I have a high ACT score. I am not going to a prestigious private college, and I haven't been awarded thousands of dollars in scholarships.
Half of my senior class doesn't even know I exist. I could disappear tomorrow and maybe three people would be affected. Teachers don't like me, underclassmen don't know me, and the counselors still have to ask me what my name is and if I'm a junior or a senior. I don't matter at school, I don't matter at home, and I'll never matter in the real world.
I'm afraid that leaving my hometown will make things worse, but I'm even more afraid that getting out of here will be healing. I don't think I'm ready to get better; the road to recovery is too painful to embark on. What if leaving my house provides me with more opportunities to control food intake, self harm, and only worsens my anxiety? But what if I'm not alone enough to self harm, I'm forced to eat, and I find that I'm not as anxious because I'm around new people? Both sound painful, but not being able to control food and self harm sounds even more painful.
I just need to get my life together, but how? How could I possibly get my life together when I can't even keep my mind together? I have literally failed at surviving. Anyone can survive but I can barely do that. One day I'll either be truly happy or dumb/inebriated enough to give up.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
I'm not sure if this feeling of envy is because I'm not good enough to accomplish the things he has, or if it's because something he wanted, planned his whole life around, and tortured himself over was actually part of "The Plan."
I'm having a hard time figuring out how I'm going to pay for college if I'm not accepted to the honors program at my college. My ACT is 4.5 points lower than the average, the personal statement I wrote was terrible, and the essay I wrote was even worse. I have very little community service, and Governor's School is my only achievement. I'm completely prepared for a rejection letter- so prepared that I've already made plans with a future roommate and finished the housing application. I can't submit it, of course, because I've forced my family into a hole financially, simply because I'm a senior this year and I'm too stupid to keep a job.
If I had worked harder and taken myself and my education seriously as a freshman and sophomore, could I have stuck with medicine and been competitive enough for Vanderbilt? Probably not, but I could have at least stuck with the idea I had of going into the medical field and helping people. No one knows this, but I'm going into education because I feel it's the only thing I can do. I'm going to major in English because I'm not intelligent enough for math, science, or history. I fear I'm going to end up being an ineffective teacher with no passion.
I'm terrified that I'm going to let myself give up. I don't want to give up, but what's to stop me later on? I'm not a rational person. In fact, I'm probably one of the most irrational people I know. I can make decisions and regret them 2 minutes later. I can't shake this fear. I can't shake this envy. I can't shake this feeling that nothing is going to go the way I want. I'm terrified that "The Plan" set out for me is one that I'm not prepared for.
All-in-all, I'm extremely excited for and proud of him. He truly deserves this. I can't think of a person who deserves this more than he does. He is going to do great things and will most definitely change the world with his amazing abilities.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Spiritual Epiphany.
I had a moment last night. I decided to pray and read my Bible, just to spend some much needed alone time with God, and ended up spending an hour crying, talking with, and worshiping my awesome God. I got caught up in the books of Romans, Hebrews, and James last night while searching for scripture about faith. Hebrews 12:5-6 stuck out to me: (5) "And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, (6) because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."
The more I read into chapter 12, the more I realized that I shouldn't be angry with God. I shouldn't let the bad things in my life stand in the way of my relationship with Him. The chapter goes on to say that God disciplines us like an earthly father would. "For what son is not disciplined by his father?" (12:7) God punishes us for our own good. BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. That was my lesson. God plans those bad things because, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, is produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (12:11)
The bad things happen so we will benefit. Good always comes from bad. God always comes from bad.
I then read into James, and was completely in awe. James 1:4-8 says, "(4) Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (5) If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (6) But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (7) That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; (8) he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."
Let's break this down a little bit. Verse 4 is about perseverance, right? Actually, it is about God's testing of our faith. He tests our faith so that we may gain perseverance. Verse 4 is pretty simple, but verses 5-7 are what shocked me. The Lord says is you lack wisdom, ask for it, and He will generously give, but there is a catch. You must believe that He will give. Doubt in God's graciousness will get you nowhere. Trust me, I'm working to trust in God and not doubt his love for me. He then says that anyone who doubt is like a wave in the sea; he calls those who doubt double-minded.
Moving on to James 1:13, "When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone." Just as you shouldn't doubt God, you shouldn't blame him for temptation you may face. We are tempted when we turn away from God, and allow our own evil desires to entice us.
Chapter 2 talks about faith without action. James 2:17 says, "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." I made a note in my Bible beside this verse that simply says "TAKE ACTION!"
How are we, as Christians, supposed to show God's undying love for everyone, if we don't practice what we preach?! An example is given at the beginning of chapter 2: if a rich man comes to you and a poor man comes behind him, do not provide the rich man with the best, and the poor man with only well wishes. (2:9-10) "But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. (10) For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." We shouldn't judge. This is a basic fact, and is actually mentioned in the Bible multiple times. I know I am guilty of judging someone based on race, social status, and even academic success. I stumbled upon one portion of the law, so I am guilty of breaking all laws. I might as well have murdered those I judged.
James 4:8 says: "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."
God will draw close to you, but you must WANT Him. You must be willing to purify your heart and wash your hands clean of sins. Isn't it amazing to know that God wants us? Even if you feel completely unloved, hated, or lonely, GOD WANTS YOU. God loves you.
I realized that, throughout my life, God and my parents are the only constants. Just like my earthly parents have sacrificed for me and done as much as they could to provide for me, my Heavenly Father has never left me. He sacrificed for me, and He never fails to provide. I don't know how my dad came up with the money he did last week to make it through to payday, but we made it. I have God to thank for that. he knew our needs and he provided, as always.
Then there is prayer. I'm slowly, but surely, learning to take everything to God in prayer. I'm trying to learn to let go and let God. He holds my future in the palm of His hand. He knows where I will be this time next year, this time 10 years from now, and this time 20 years from now. I cannot control anything. God can. It's time I let God pilot this plane, while I sit in the passenger seat and obey Him.
God is simply amazing. I haven't felt so at peace with my life in years. I never want this feeling to end.
The more I read into chapter 12, the more I realized that I shouldn't be angry with God. I shouldn't let the bad things in my life stand in the way of my relationship with Him. The chapter goes on to say that God disciplines us like an earthly father would. "For what son is not disciplined by his father?" (12:7) God punishes us for our own good. BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. That was my lesson. God plans those bad things because, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, is produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (12:11)
The bad things happen so we will benefit. Good always comes from bad. God always comes from bad.
I then read into James, and was completely in awe. James 1:4-8 says, "(4) Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (5) If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (6) But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (7) That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; (8) he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."
Let's break this down a little bit. Verse 4 is about perseverance, right? Actually, it is about God's testing of our faith. He tests our faith so that we may gain perseverance. Verse 4 is pretty simple, but verses 5-7 are what shocked me. The Lord says is you lack wisdom, ask for it, and He will generously give, but there is a catch. You must believe that He will give. Doubt in God's graciousness will get you nowhere. Trust me, I'm working to trust in God and not doubt his love for me. He then says that anyone who doubt is like a wave in the sea; he calls those who doubt double-minded.
Moving on to James 1:13, "When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone." Just as you shouldn't doubt God, you shouldn't blame him for temptation you may face. We are tempted when we turn away from God, and allow our own evil desires to entice us.
Chapter 2 talks about faith without action. James 2:17 says, "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." I made a note in my Bible beside this verse that simply says "TAKE ACTION!"
How are we, as Christians, supposed to show God's undying love for everyone, if we don't practice what we preach?! An example is given at the beginning of chapter 2: if a rich man comes to you and a poor man comes behind him, do not provide the rich man with the best, and the poor man with only well wishes. (2:9-10) "But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. (10) For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." We shouldn't judge. This is a basic fact, and is actually mentioned in the Bible multiple times. I know I am guilty of judging someone based on race, social status, and even academic success. I stumbled upon one portion of the law, so I am guilty of breaking all laws. I might as well have murdered those I judged.
James 4:8 says: "Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."
God will draw close to you, but you must WANT Him. You must be willing to purify your heart and wash your hands clean of sins. Isn't it amazing to know that God wants us? Even if you feel completely unloved, hated, or lonely, GOD WANTS YOU. God loves you.
I realized that, throughout my life, God and my parents are the only constants. Just like my earthly parents have sacrificed for me and done as much as they could to provide for me, my Heavenly Father has never left me. He sacrificed for me, and He never fails to provide. I don't know how my dad came up with the money he did last week to make it through to payday, but we made it. I have God to thank for that. he knew our needs and he provided, as always.
Then there is prayer. I'm slowly, but surely, learning to take everything to God in prayer. I'm trying to learn to let go and let God. He holds my future in the palm of His hand. He knows where I will be this time next year, this time 10 years from now, and this time 20 years from now. I cannot control anything. God can. It's time I let God pilot this plane, while I sit in the passenger seat and obey Him.
God is simply amazing. I haven't felt so at peace with my life in years. I never want this feeling to end.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Cry For Help
I'm judgemental.
I'm hateful.
I'm envious.
I'm self-loathing.
I'm self-deprecating.
I'm self-mutilating.
I'm unsatisfied.
I'm ungrateful.
I'm too often careless.
I also have a hard time fathoming how one all-mighty being can look past all of this and love me regardless. I've always been told that no one will love you unless you love yourself, so how is it possible that God could ever love me when I harbor so much hate for myself? I just don't understand it. I used to have no doubts about God's unfailing love, but the older I get and the more hate I feel towards myself, the harder it is to believe.
What do I hate so much about myself?
I hate that I don't do well with people.
I hate that I automatically assume someone doesn't like me after one conversation.
I hate how I doubt everything I do.
I hate my negativity.
I have my physical appearance.
I also hate everything that I listed at the top.
I also care too much when I shouldn't.
I hate that I can't just get over it.
I don't know why I can't just stop being so screwed up and just get better!
How in the world can anyone love me when I see myself this way?! There is no possible way that God could love someone like me.
I've tried praying. I've tried reading my Bible. I've tried ignoring the voices in my head that tell me to turn to the knife for a release. Maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe i'm just not meant to change. I don't know.
I don't want to live my life as a horrible shell of a person. I need help. I want someone to help me. I want to stop. I want to change. I want nothing more than to get better.
I'm hateful.
I'm envious.
I'm self-loathing.
I'm self-deprecating.
I'm self-mutilating.
I'm unsatisfied.
I'm ungrateful.
I'm too often careless.
I also have a hard time fathoming how one all-mighty being can look past all of this and love me regardless. I've always been told that no one will love you unless you love yourself, so how is it possible that God could ever love me when I harbor so much hate for myself? I just don't understand it. I used to have no doubts about God's unfailing love, but the older I get and the more hate I feel towards myself, the harder it is to believe.
What do I hate so much about myself?
I hate that I don't do well with people.
I hate that I automatically assume someone doesn't like me after one conversation.
I hate how I doubt everything I do.
I hate my negativity.
I have my physical appearance.
I also hate everything that I listed at the top.
I also care too much when I shouldn't.
I hate that I can't just get over it.
I don't know why I can't just stop being so screwed up and just get better!
How in the world can anyone love me when I see myself this way?! There is no possible way that God could love someone like me.
I've tried praying. I've tried reading my Bible. I've tried ignoring the voices in my head that tell me to turn to the knife for a release. Maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe i'm just not meant to change. I don't know.
I don't want to live my life as a horrible shell of a person. I need help. I want someone to help me. I want to stop. I want to change. I want nothing more than to get better.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Constant Fight in My Mind.
You're never going to amount to anything.
You're too unattractive to ever get married.
You will never ever be good enough to meet the standards of the world.
You are an idiot.
You're nothing. Worthless. Hated.
You should have ended it when you had the chance. Back when you had no friends. No one who really cared about you.
You deserve every single one of the scars you have given yourself.
You're fucked up and no one will ever understand you.
You should just give up. You'll never see success at this rate.
You can never get better because you don't care about yourself enough.
You're just too far gone. There is no point in someone saving you now.
No one cares about your stupid problems.
You can't feel this way because there are people who have it worse.
You're just a waste of space and oxygen.
You could end it now and no one would notice or miss you.
You're not cut out for college. You won't make any friends.
Everyone fucking hate you.
You're annoying. Ugly. Fat. Ungrateful. Bitchy. Stupid.
You have nothing to live for.
You have the whole word ahead of you.
There is someone out there that will love you.
You ARE good enough.
You are brilliant.
You're loved. Worthy. Cherished.
You are still alive for a reason. You have friends who love you. Family who cares.
Your scars are scary, but show that you are a fighter.
You're not alone and someone understands you.
You should keep going. You will make something amazing out of yourself.
You will get better because you will learn to care about yourself.
You are NOT too far gone. You are worth being saved.
There are people who care about your problems.
You CAN feel this way because you are human.
You are needed.
You will have the time of your life in college. You will make new friends and people will love you.
YOU ARE LOVED.
You're alive. Perfect. Beautiful. Deserving. Kind. Caring.
You have SO MUCH to live for.
You're too unattractive to ever get married.
You will never ever be good enough to meet the standards of the world.
You are an idiot.
You're nothing. Worthless. Hated.
You should have ended it when you had the chance. Back when you had no friends. No one who really cared about you.
You deserve every single one of the scars you have given yourself.
You're fucked up and no one will ever understand you.
You should just give up. You'll never see success at this rate.
You can never get better because you don't care about yourself enough.
You're just too far gone. There is no point in someone saving you now.
No one cares about your stupid problems.
You can't feel this way because there are people who have it worse.
You're just a waste of space and oxygen.
You could end it now and no one would notice or miss you.
You're not cut out for college. You won't make any friends.
Everyone fucking hate you.
You're annoying. Ugly. Fat. Ungrateful. Bitchy. Stupid.
You have nothing to live for.
You have the whole word ahead of you.
There is someone out there that will love you.
You ARE good enough.
You are brilliant.
You're loved. Worthy. Cherished.
You are still alive for a reason. You have friends who love you. Family who cares.
Your scars are scary, but show that you are a fighter.
You're not alone and someone understands you.
You should keep going. You will make something amazing out of yourself.
You will get better because you will learn to care about yourself.
You are NOT too far gone. You are worth being saved.
There are people who care about your problems.
You CAN feel this way because you are human.
You are needed.
You will have the time of your life in college. You will make new friends and people will love you.
YOU ARE LOVED.
You're alive. Perfect. Beautiful. Deserving. Kind. Caring.
You have SO MUCH to live for.
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