I'm judgemental.
I'm hateful.
I'm envious.
I'm self-loathing.
I'm self-deprecating.
I'm self-mutilating.
I'm unsatisfied.
I'm ungrateful.
I'm too often careless.
I also have a hard time fathoming how one all-mighty being can look past all of this and love me regardless. I've always been told that no one will love you unless you love yourself, so how is it possible that God could ever love me when I harbor so much hate for myself? I just don't understand it. I used to have no doubts about God's unfailing love, but the older I get and the more hate I feel towards myself, the harder it is to believe.
What do I hate so much about myself?
I hate that I don't do well with people.
I hate that I automatically assume someone doesn't like me after one conversation.
I hate how I doubt everything I do.
I hate my negativity.
I have my physical appearance.
I also hate everything that I listed at the top.
I also care too much when I shouldn't.
I hate that I can't just get over it.
I don't know why I can't just stop being so screwed up and just get better!
How in the world can anyone love me when I see myself this way?! There is no possible way that God could love someone like me.
I've tried praying. I've tried reading my Bible. I've tried ignoring the voices in my head that tell me to turn to the knife for a release. Maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe i'm just not meant to change. I don't know.
I don't want to live my life as a horrible shell of a person. I need help. I want someone to help me. I want to stop. I want to change. I want nothing more than to get better.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
The Constant Fight in My Mind.
You're never going to amount to anything.
You're too unattractive to ever get married.
You will never ever be good enough to meet the standards of the world.
You are an idiot.
You're nothing. Worthless. Hated.
You should have ended it when you had the chance. Back when you had no friends. No one who really cared about you.
You deserve every single one of the scars you have given yourself.
You're fucked up and no one will ever understand you.
You should just give up. You'll never see success at this rate.
You can never get better because you don't care about yourself enough.
You're just too far gone. There is no point in someone saving you now.
No one cares about your stupid problems.
You can't feel this way because there are people who have it worse.
You're just a waste of space and oxygen.
You could end it now and no one would notice or miss you.
You're not cut out for college. You won't make any friends.
Everyone fucking hate you.
You're annoying. Ugly. Fat. Ungrateful. Bitchy. Stupid.
You have nothing to live for.
You have the whole word ahead of you.
There is someone out there that will love you.
You ARE good enough.
You are brilliant.
You're loved. Worthy. Cherished.
You are still alive for a reason. You have friends who love you. Family who cares.
Your scars are scary, but show that you are a fighter.
You're not alone and someone understands you.
You should keep going. You will make something amazing out of yourself.
You will get better because you will learn to care about yourself.
You are NOT too far gone. You are worth being saved.
There are people who care about your problems.
You CAN feel this way because you are human.
You are needed.
You will have the time of your life in college. You will make new friends and people will love you.
YOU ARE LOVED.
You're alive. Perfect. Beautiful. Deserving. Kind. Caring.
You have SO MUCH to live for.
You're too unattractive to ever get married.
You will never ever be good enough to meet the standards of the world.
You are an idiot.
You're nothing. Worthless. Hated.
You should have ended it when you had the chance. Back when you had no friends. No one who really cared about you.
You deserve every single one of the scars you have given yourself.
You're fucked up and no one will ever understand you.
You should just give up. You'll never see success at this rate.
You can never get better because you don't care about yourself enough.
You're just too far gone. There is no point in someone saving you now.
No one cares about your stupid problems.
You can't feel this way because there are people who have it worse.
You're just a waste of space and oxygen.
You could end it now and no one would notice or miss you.
You're not cut out for college. You won't make any friends.
Everyone fucking hate you.
You're annoying. Ugly. Fat. Ungrateful. Bitchy. Stupid.
You have nothing to live for.
You have the whole word ahead of you.
There is someone out there that will love you.
You ARE good enough.
You are brilliant.
You're loved. Worthy. Cherished.
You are still alive for a reason. You have friends who love you. Family who cares.
Your scars are scary, but show that you are a fighter.
You're not alone and someone understands you.
You should keep going. You will make something amazing out of yourself.
You will get better because you will learn to care about yourself.
You are NOT too far gone. You are worth being saved.
There are people who care about your problems.
You CAN feel this way because you are human.
You are needed.
You will have the time of your life in college. You will make new friends and people will love you.
YOU ARE LOVED.
You're alive. Perfect. Beautiful. Deserving. Kind. Caring.
You have SO MUCH to live for.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Open Up, Let it Out
Open up, let it out
You need help.
All you have to do is shout-
and you can finally save yourself.
Open up, let it out
Please let someone in
You can fix this
This is a battle you can win!
Open up, let it out
Life won't stop
You've got to learn to bend
Don't let this break you down.
Open up, let it out
Someone will care
If you want to be free
You will say two simple words-
Help. Me.
You need help.
All you have to do is shout-
and you can finally save yourself.
Open up, let it out
Please let someone in
You can fix this
This is a battle you can win!
Open up, let it out
Life won't stop
You've got to learn to bend
Don't let this break you down.
Open up, let it out
Someone will care
If you want to be free
You will say two simple words-
Help. Me.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Hidden.
Just one scratch to heal it all
One small scratch can release the pain.
It won't hurt, you won't fall-
into the deadly cycle of this sick game.
The scratch became a cut
Release became a craving.
Now I'm in a rut-
I desperately need saving.
I just need to cage
this beast inside of me.
I want to turn the page
and start over clean.
No one knows about this side-
that I keep locked up tight.
It's becoming harder to hide;
so much harder to fight.
I've kept it hidden
It's stayed in its cage
But I can't keep lying
I'm fucking tired and dying.
One small scratch can release the pain.
It won't hurt, you won't fall-
into the deadly cycle of this sick game.
The scratch became a cut
Release became a craving.
Now I'm in a rut-
I desperately need saving.
I just need to cage
this beast inside of me.
I want to turn the page
and start over clean.
No one knows about this side-
that I keep locked up tight.
It's becoming harder to hide;
so much harder to fight.
I've kept it hidden
It's stayed in its cage
But I can't keep lying
I'm fucking tired and dying.
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