I've started, and failed to actually finish, quite a few blogs on here in the past few months.

So much has happened, and I have no idea where to start. You know what? I'm not going to update you on my boring life. I'm just going to type what come to mind.  (Fair warning that this usually ends badly, so be prepared...)

First off, I'm 17 now! My birthday was Tuesday, the 11th, and saying that I'm 17 is weird.
I just realized that I'm 17, it's a Saturday night, I have a car and money, and I'm sitting at my desk typing a blog and listening to music while still wearing my pajamas from last night. I feel like I should be out having fun like a normal teenager. Then again, I'm far from a normal teenager. I don't like sitting in my room alone, but it beats getting drunk or high.

So. I don't know what to write now. This is great. That's the reason I haven't finished a full blog in so long. Maybe I'll go through one day and finish them.

I have been using my Tumblr as my outlet, though. Lately I've been posting everything on there, as opposed to here. I feel as though this is more like a positive blog, and Tumblr is pretty depressing. I don't like the idea of posting my depressing and scary thoughts on this blog.

I don't know. I can't think of much more to write, so I'm going to be done and publish this now, just so I have some content up on here. :)

<3, Steph

Here comes a lullaby.

"So just give it one more try to a lullaby

And turn this up on the radio

If you can hear me now

I'm reaching out

To let you know that you're not alone

And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell

'Cause I can't get you on the telephone

So just close your eyes

Oh, honey here comes a lullaby

Your very own lullaby"

This is the chorus to the song Lullaby by Nickelback. 

This is one of the most amazing songs I have ever heard. It talks about not giving up; about being at rock bottom. Rock bottom is a scary place to be. I made that my home for months not too long ago. I wasn't happy in the least there. The one thought that continually crossed my mind was how easy it would be to just end it. I wanted to take the easy way out. I look at it now as the fool's way out. It's the coward's way out. I feel selfish now that I think back to those feelings. How could I think about giving up like that? What would that do to my family? Was it really bad enough that I needed to leave the face of the Earth? No. It wasn't. It never is. 

"suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"

Think about it. Problems can be solved. It may take what seem like ages to fix them, but they can be fixed. You will be happy again. By ending it, your problem never gets fixed. You can't undo  something like that. Think about that next time you want to end it. Think about what you could do to solve your problem, instead of dwelling on how bad it seems. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. As humans, our perception of things is sometimes screwed up. It's our perception that makes us lose sight of the bigger picture. Not the darkness in front of you, but the light at the end of the tunnel. There's always a light. It may be almost impossible to see, but it's there. Like the wind. You can't see it, but you know it's there because you can feel it. Feel for that light. 

Make God that light. Focus on the Almighty healer. He created you; He loves you. He would never put you through something you can't get through. That's His way of testing us. He knows your next move before you make it. He knows your next thought before you think it. He knows how you'er going to react to certain situations. Ponder upon this: You know everything about someone; everything that God knows, now, what would you do to see how strong that person really is? Would you make their life easy, and only put them through things that are easy? Would you test them by giving them something seemingly impossible to handle, just to see if they know how to handle it. Remember, you know how they're going to deal with this situation, because you know as much as God. Say that they handle it badly, and fail the task. They learned something. That's why God puts us through the things He does! Not to harm us, but to help us. 

"I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans not to harm you, but to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

It says in the Bible that He doesn't plan to harm us. He knows best for us. He just wants to help us make a better future. 

Think about that the next time you feel as though you've hit rock bottom. Don't just set up camp there and live in a pity party. I know from experience that that doesn't do any good. It makes things much worse. Next time you find yourself here, pray that God will help you through it. That's what He wants us to do. He wants us to communicate our fears and worries. We're supposed to lay our burdens down at His feet. Don't take your own life; make a new one with God. That's the only life you'll find worth living.